Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood Read online

  Copyright © 2016 by Eric Rosswood

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.

  Requests for permission should be addressed to:

  New Horizon Press

  P. O. Box 669

  Far Hills, NJ 07931

  Eric Rosswood

  Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood:

  Firsthand Advice, Tips and Stories from Lesbian and Gay Couples

  Cover design: Samantha LemMon

  Interior design: Scribe Inc.

  Author photo: Beki Dawn Photography

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2015913633

  ISBN-13 (eBook): 978–0-88282–515–1

  New Horizon Press

  201918171612345

  What People Are Saying About

  Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood

  “Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood will lead you through moments of both laugh-out-loud humor and immense heartache. This book is informative, emotionally compelling and a must-read for LGBTQ people considering parenthood.”

  — Zach Wahls

  Author of the national bestseller

  My Two Moms: Lessons of Love, Strength, and What Makes a Family

  “Like many other LGBT people, I was desperate to be a parent. I wish Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood had been available when I began my own process. It’s a fantastic read, filled with beautiful firsthand experiences of becoming families and, to my mind, the ultimate resource for any LGBT person wanting to be a parent.”

  — Charlie Condou

  Actor, Writer, Father and Activist

  “This book is an eye-opener for what same-sex couples really go through when trying to start a family. In my work as a legislator advocating on behalf of our community, I’ve seen the stumbling blocks many couples face on the path to becoming parents—both in law and in society—and this book is a great resource for couples considering this often difficult process.”

  — NY State Assembly Member Daniel J. O’Donnell

  Sponsor of New York’s Marriage Equality Act and the state’s groundbreaking anti-bullying legislation, the Dignity for All Students Act.

  “The resources available to same-sex couples wanting to have children are limited, but Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood helps fill that void. The couples in this book have sacrificed their privacy and personal lives to make this road less traveled easier and brighter for future families. This is a must-read for anyone considering adoption.”

  — Tania Bradkin

  Commissioner of Social Services for the City of Santa Monica

  “Raising a child is one of the most rewarding experiences we can have, but for same-sex couples, the countless possibilities for starting a family can be overwhelming. Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood does a great job when it comes to breaking everything down, comparing all the options and helping readers figure out which path is right for them. I’m so happy a resource like this is available!”

  —Judy Appel

  Executive Director, Our Family Coalition

  Table of Contents

  Foreword by Melissa Gilbert

  Introduction by Charlie Condou

  Preface

  Part 1: Open Adoption

  Mat and Eric Rosswood

  Chris and Novia Rowzee

  Matthew Smith and Trey Darnell

  Manuel and Dale

  Part 2: Foster Parenting and Adopting from Foster Care

  Cori Ferguson and Casey Garrison

  Duke and Steve Nelson

  Diana Buchbinder

  Rob Watson

  Thomas Whaley and Carl Leichthammer

  Lisa Blake and Kerry Booth

  Part 3: Surrogacy

  David and Josh

  Kevin Wakelin

  Part 4: Assisted Reproduction

  Elaine Boyd and Cathy Smith

  Sarah Ann Gilbert

  Rudene and Anna-Marie du Preez

  Lois D’Imperio and Holly Robinson

  Jenn and Michele Margiotta-Watz

  Part 5: Co-Parenting

  Paul and Dustin

  George Tennant

  Epilogue by Gabriel Blau

  Words of Advice

  Wrapping Things Up

  Acknowledgments

  Appendix A: Legal Considerations

  Appendix B: Reasons Why and Challenges

  Appendix C: Questions to Ask

  DEDICATION

  To my parents, Doyle and Bonnie Ross, for putting up with five boys and showing us what family is really about; my husband, Mat, for the love and support you’ve given me throughout this adventure; Stephanie and Josh for helping us start a family of our own and our son, Connor, for giving me inspiration and motivation in life.

  Also, I want to thank everyone who shared their personal stories, experiences and advice with me. Without all of you, this book would not have been possible.

  Foreword

  by Melissa Gilbert

  New York Times best-selling author, wife, mother, actor and activist

  Several years ago, I found myself reliving key moments of my life as I started to piece together stories for my memoir. As with most people in the world, my life has been filled with plenty of ups and downs. Through it all, the one thing that stood out to me was the reoccurring theme of family. And when I say family, I don’t just mean the nuclear type with a mom, a dad, two-and-a-half kids and a white picket fence. I mean the kind of family built on love, where people are there for each other through thick and thin no matter what happens in life.

  This theme dates back to my father, who was an only child and lived with his parents in Philadelphia before being sent away when he was about eight or nine years old. He went to live with a family of circus performers and learned how to be an aerialist like his mother. After both of his parents died when he was just a teenager, he wound up traveling in a circus with his surrogate family.

  As for me, I was adopted when I was just a few days old and am the oldest of three children. My mother loved and cherished me the best she knew how and for that I will always love her unconditionally. My father was funny, smart, handsome, kind, generous and fair. He was the kind of parent I aspired to be.

  When I was just nine years old, I landed the role of Laura Ingalls Wilder on Little House on the Prairie. The cast and crew quickly became my second family and there was a sense of compassion, faith, togetherness, support and camaraderie with everyone on the set. I was particularly close to Michael Landon, an amazing man who was a father figure to me, both on and off screen. He was warm and nurturing and he had a powerful impact on my life. We were so close that my family even had a yearly tradition of going on vacation with Michael and his family.

  Flash forward many years and I now have a family of my own, complete with four grown boys, two grown stepsons, a stepdaughter and a granddaughter. My own family includes my dearest friends and their children as well. I am so blessed. I tell people I don’t have a family tree, I have a family shrub!

  Looking back on my life, my family has been ever-changing. It’s been filled with a diverse group of people. What I’ve learned over the years is that families are strong units that aren’t held together by biology; they’re held together by love.

  Families look different now than they did a few decades ago. Whether they consist of a mother and father, two mommies, two daddies, single parents, a foster family, grandparents or whatever, it’s not about what the family looks like. It’s about how much they love one another.

  Being a parent is the most rewarding thing
I will ever do in my life. If it is something you want, I pray your dreams of parenting come true. Every child deserves to be raised in a stable home with parents who love him or her.

  I’ve read and have been touched by all the stories in this book. The lengths that people have gone through to build their families amazes me. I hope their stories help you along in your journey to parenthood.

  Introduction

  by Charlie Condou

  Actor, Writer, Father and Activist

  When I came out to my family, they were wonderful about it and it wasn’t an issue. There’s one thing my mum said to me, though, that I’ll always remember: “I feel so sad for you, because you always wanted to be a parent.”

  To be honest, I had always wanted to be a dad and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I didn’t know how I was going to start a family, but I just assumed I would.

  I was raised in a liberal household and came out to my family when I was eighteen years old. It was the early 90s and a very different time back then. I never saw examples of same-sex couples raising children together and there were no gay parent role models to look up to on TV or in the media. Had I seen other gay men in loving relationships, building families together, it would have removed a lot of fear from my teenage years and made my path to self-acceptance smoother.

  My mother loved my sister and me ferociously and has always been supportive of us both. After I came out to her, though, my perspective on family building changed. I could no longer assume that having children was something that would eventually just happen when the right person came along. It would be a little more complicated than that. There was no clear path for me to follow.

  At the time, surrogacy was still in its infancy (not to mention extremely expensive) and gay men in the UK were still considered too deviant to adopt. I realized that same-sex couples had to plan more than most people, but it’s hard to see how that could be considered a bad thing. My sister told me, “When something is this important to you, you’ll find a way.”

  She was right.

  When I was in my thirties, my friend Catherine and I had the “insurance policy” conversation that many gay men have with their female friends: “If we’re still single by the time we’re forty, we should have kids together.” Things were different with Catherine, though. This time the conversation was more serious. We discovered that we had the same morals and same ideals in regards to child rearing.

  I eventually met my husband back in 2005. Over the next couple of years, the conversations about having children became more real. We discussed every aspect in regards to what our three-way co-parenting relationship would look like, considered every worst-case scenario we could think of and shared our plans with our families. Everyone was on board and after three cycles of in vitro fertilization (IVF), we had our first positive pregnancy test.

  Even though Catherine’s house was not far from ours, we all agreed it would be best if she moved in with us for the last bit of the pregnancy and stayed for the first three months after the baby arrived. It turns out that a third pair of hands made a huge difference when our daughter was finally born! We never had to worry about one of us not getting enough sleep, because someone was always there to step in and help. We were able to take turns pacing up and down to comfort our colicky baby and it always seemed that one of us had enough energy to do household chores like making dinner.

  We now have two children; one is six years old and the other is three and a half. As parents, we have our own separate lives and our children split the days of the week between both households, but we also make the time to go on holidays, celebrate Christmas and eat meals together as a family. Our arrangement might look unusual to some people but, for our family, it’s wonderful because we’re all so close.

  I think the reason our family situation works so well is that we’re upfront and open about everything. We listen to each other and make sure that situations and scenarios work for everyone involved. For those of you wanting to start a family of your own, I think those things are key. Be really clear on what it is you want to do and talk as much as you can. You can never have too many discussions. Talk about worst-case scenarios. What would you do if this happened? What would you do if that happened? Also, be open to change, because even though you may think you have thought of every scenario beforehand, chances are that when your child is eventually born, he or she will just turn all your well-thought-out plans upside down anyway.

  Regardless of how you decide to expand your own family, this book is a great resource to help you get started and it provides valuable information to help you along the way. It’s a fantastic read and I wish it had been available when I began my own journey. In my mind, it’s the ultimate resource for any LGBT person wanting to be a parent and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did. Good luck to you. I wish you the best as you begin your own journey to parenthood and enter the next wonderful stage of your life!

  Preface

  Marriage equality has been expanding across the globe at a rapid pace and on June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that same-sex marriage was legal in all fifty states. You know what they say: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!

  As lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender relationships become more accepted, so do LGBT family units. The Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law, released research in 2013 showing that an estimated three million LGBT individuals have likely had a child and that 2 percent of Americans (roughly six million people) had an LGBT-identified parent. Now that marriage equality is legal throughout the country, these numbers will likely increase as more LGBT people come to the understanding that getting married, settling down and raising a family are obtainable goals and not just dreams.

  When my husband and I decided to expand our family, we started evaluating the best way to move forward. We didn’t realize researching the topic would be so difficult and time-consuming. There were many choices for same-sex parents looking to have children; however, it was almost impossible to know about them all, let alone research them. What was an open adoption and how was it different from adoption in general? What was co-parenting? These were terms I had never heard of before.

  While researching various methods and contacting different agencies, we eventually found the answers to many of our questions regarding costs, processes and legal issues. Lacking, however, were firsthand stories from people who had children themselves. What was it like for the people who went through the process?

  I wanted answers to questions like: In an open adoption, how much birthparent contact is typical? If we went with surrogacy, should one of us provide the sperm so there would be a biological connection? And if we went that route, would there be feelings of guilt or resentment revolving around the fact that one of us would be genetically related to the baby and the other one wouldn’t be? If we went with foster care, what were the chances that a child would be removed from our home to go back with his or her original parents/guardians after we bonded with him or her? Would fostering be too difficult emotionally?

  Sure, a few books exist out there where people have discussed their experiences, but all I could find were single books talking about one way to have a child from one person’s point of view. I wanted multiple avenues and multiple points of views in one place.

  In the end, we moved forward with an open adoption. It was an amazing journey but, when reflecting back on it, I still wish we had more information going into the scenario. Because of this, I decided to create a resource for potential LGBT parents so they could learn from the experiences of others who had children through similar means. I sought out same-sex couples who had children and asked if they would share their stories on how they became parents. The number one response I got back from people was “Wow, I wish I had something like this when we were going through the process!” And so this book was born.

  Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood: Firsthand Advice, Tips and Stori
es from Lesbian and Gay Couples is a resource filled with short stories from people in the LGBT community describing the journey of expanding their families through various means, such as adoption, fostering, surrogacy, assisted reproduction and co-parenting. It is my hope that after reading this book, you will have a better understanding of the thoughts, emotions and situations that may occur in the journey to becoming a parent and get insightful information not necessarily revealed through agencies and organizations.

  This book is divided into sections to make it easy for you to quickly research and evaluate the scenarios you are most interested in. To help you in your decision, each section begins with a description of a specific family-building approach, followed by personal stories from same-sex couples who have already been through the journey.

  In the appendix section, you will find important legal issues to consider and lists of questions you should ask yourself before deciding to move forward. Hopefully these questions will help you consider things you haven’t thought about beforehand and, if nothing else, if you and your partner answer them together they will help make sure you are both on the same page. There is also a list of reasons why people may choose each of the five family-building paths and the challenges they may encounter along the way.

  I hope you find this resource helpful and I wish you the best in your own journey to parenthood!

  PART 1

  OPEN ADOPTION

  In the past, adoption used to be secretive. No contact was made between the adopting and biological parents and no information was exchanged between them, either. Adopted children grew up without the knowledge of who their birthparents were and, because of this, many grew up believing they were thrown away or given up. A massive transformation occurred when adoptees started demanding the right to know their biological backgrounds and birthmothers started calling for change. Now, open adoption has become the norm for infant adoptions in the United States.